I learnt something about myself the other day. I was reading an article and the author referred to herself as an ambivert – a cross between an extrovert and an introvert. Someone who is socially comfortable and outgoing, yet needs alone time to recharge the batteries and collect their thoughts. It’s so me. I’ll go out at the weekends, meet new people and chat to them about absolutely anything for hours, which can usually be followed by a day or two of hardly speaking to my friends at all and hiding away with a good book.
There’s nothing wrong with me on those ‘hideaway’ days, I’m simply catching up with myself. In this downtime, I often do a lot of thinking. I reflect on my life, where I see my future going, how I’m feeling in that moment… The usual. In the past, this could end up with me being quite hard on myself. Why am I not at a certain stage in my career yet? Why haven’t I got X, Y or Z? Why am I approaching 28 still single when so many of my Facebook friends are posting bottomless pictures of engagement rings, babies and wedding dresses?
I haven’t been single that long, but in all honesty I’ve learnt to be OK when I’m on my own. One thing I like about myself is that I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship to be happy. I can draw that from other aspects of my life, and I hear that this makes you more attractive anyway (hurrah!). But believe me when I say that there have been times when I’ve thought that everything was wrong with me. Dating was a hot mess, I was attracted to horrible men and I didn’t know what was good for me. I just needed some validation that I was good enough to be loved.
“I often do a lot of thinking. I reflect on my life, where I see my future going, how I’m feeling in that moment”
I’m sure a lot of you reading this can relate. You start questioning if it’s you, if you deserve to be treated this way. Maybe they were just mirroring your behaviour, that you were in fact an awful person and you were doing everything wrong. So very, very wrong. But no. Listen. If you are wondering why you’re not in a relationship, why everything seems to lead to nothing and you’ve left a trail of disappointments behind you, this is probably why you’re still single: you are not ready.
I don’t mean that as in you’re not ready to love, or incapable of loving someone. I’m sure you very much are. I mean it in the sense that there is no space for it in your life at the moment. If you look back at all the ones-that-got-away and almost-but-not-quites, I bet you’re glad that most of those relationshits/flings/one-nighters didn’t work out. I bet now that you can look back (remembering that hindsight is 20/20) and breathe a sigh of relief. It might not actually be that the other person was a dick – maybe it was merely down to the timing being off. Because as annoying as it is to hear (and it really is I know, but I’m going to say it anyway) timing is absolutely everything.
I don’t believe that timing has to be completely perfect, because we don’t live in a perfect world and things could always be better, running more smoothly or what have you. However I do believe that there definitely is such a thing as the wrong time, and if it’s not happening for you right now despite your best efforts, guess what? It’s the wrong time. So stop. Stop for a minute and just have a look at your life.
This is probably why you’re still single: you are not ready
I’m a firm believer that the universe will only ever give you as much as you can handle at any given time. For all you know, you could be on the cusp of a promotion, or you could suddenly decide that you want to pack your bags and embark on an incredible adventure half way around the world. Maybe you’ve been thinking about changing career paths and need to find what it is that is going to have you jumping out of bed every morning. Relationships are a big deal. If you just want to date around and meet new people then fair enough, but I’m talking about real connections.
In order to welcome someone into your life, you really do need to be happy. But you can’t really focus on making yourself happy when there is someone else in the way distracting you, because all you’re thinking about is how they’re feeling. The most important connection in life is with yourself. You have to have mastered that before you can develop one with another human being. You can’t rely on someone else to swan in and suddenly hand you the missing piece of the jigsaw, because that piece is not from your jigsaw and no matter which way you try to squeeze it in, it’s not going to fit.
What you should do is change your way of thinking. Single? GREAT! I don’t have anyone to answer to, I can be selfish (within reason), I’ve got some space to work on myself and when I do finally meet The One, I will be able to appreciate them so much more. Then you will be ready. But not now. The disastrous dates, the ‘fizzlers’ and the unreturned texts are trying to tell you something – it’s not your time. Something else is asking for your attention, and in this present moment is more important. You’re just not seeing it because you’re so fixated on the fact that you’re facing another Friday night on your own in front of Netflix. And what? One day you’re going to miss those days as you’ll have to share the remote and compromise an episode of your favourite series for theirs!
“You can’t rely on someone else to swan in and suddenly hand you the missing piece of the jigsaw, because that piece is not from your jigsaw and no matter which way you try to squeeze it in, it’s not going to fit”
Just have a little faith, a little patience, and a bucket load of confidence. It will happen. It will. But not at this exact moment in time. Just keep doing you and when the universe has decided that you’re truly at the right stage, watch how quickly it falls into your lap. You know that other annoying saying “it always happens when you least expect it?”, true also. It’s always when you’re most distracted that you’re least expecting. Build it, and they will come. Build that amazing life of yours, and the right one will turn up right on your doorstep wanting a piece of it. And that hot ass. *wink*